apparently I sued google and I’m not going to be filthy rich

Motor or sail? Penthouse or beach house? Box seats or courtside? All of the above? All questions I began asking myself after I received a little email from some white shoe lawyers suing Google on my behalf. Since I’m a pretty big deal I have multiple gmails and found myself clearing out solicitations from some of the biggest names in the biz looking to close a deal with a true power player, “Grubhub $10 off,” ESPN+ MLS Regular Season Begins,” Bank of America Bill Overdue Notice.” Yes, only the best looking to reel me in but one particular email caught my eye: Notice of Class Action Settlement re Google Plus – Your Rights May Be Affected. Oh well you don’t say? Come to think of it, I do remember my rights being affected. In fact, so affected as to cause emotional distress that only significant financial compensation from one of the world’s largest tech companies could possibly resolve. 

Knowing the email’s “Do Not Reply” was an error and meant strictly for the poor losers I was about to leave behind, I shot back an email to my legal team looking for some more information on my pending suit. Which law firms are representing me? When should I expect to be deposed? When does jury selection begin? What witnesses do we have lined up? What color tie should I wear? I received a quick response,“Could Not Deliver,” -they must be busy working hard on my case. Nice work team. 

In the meantime I decided to do some digging. According to ZDNet:

“…the discovery of an API bug in 2018 led to Google Plus’s closure in 2019. While the bug was patched soon after discovery, Google said that up to 500,000 users may have had their information leaked due to the security issue…”

500,000 users? Wait, what? Then it dawned on me, I was not alone. It all started falling apart before my very eyes. This wasn’t some fancy pants law firm acting on my behalf and I wasn’t going to get filthy rich off of exaggerating emotional distress and I certainly want going to be doling out cash off the side of my yacht. 

Illusions of chauffeured drivers whisking me between my helipad and penthouse quickly vanished. Coin toss at the Super Bowl -gone. Presidential Medal of Freedom -gone. Kennedy Center Honors -gone.

But what’s this? A silver lining you say? As it turns out I wasn’t going to walk away empty handed:

A settlement was reached in January for $7.5 million to resolve the lawsuit, roughly equating to $5 – $12 for each claimant.”

Now we’re talkin! $5, maybe $12 dollars?! Are you kidding? Wow, incredible news. Jaw dropping numbers there. In a matter of months, I would now have the financial equivalent of 1 (one) Bud Light in Manhattan.

What a roller coaster of day. First you think you’re going to become a billionaire and the next you’re debating which dive bar in midtown you’re going to spend your $12 at. Just goes to show you never know how your day might end up and sometimes it may end up exactly the same as it started.

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