A Blogger Asks His Readers: Am I The Old Man On The Porch?

I have been frustrated lately and I have been holding onto my feelings far too long, I decided to dump them all out into this blog. This could very well be the writings of a raving lunatic but that’s what I am here for. If you are easily triggered or offended then this blog is probably not for you. We have plenty of happy go lucky, puff-pieces on this blog so go check those out while the writings of a madman are written on this page like the words of the prophets on the subway walls.

First off, I need to discuss my neighbors/neighborhood. I am the first house on our street and more recently I have had vehicles stop at the top of our street and sit there. Could they be a door-dash driver, a kid trying to find his buddies house, someone who got lost and is punching in directions on his phone? Yes, all of those things are entirely possible, you know what I think of immediately, someone who is casing the joint waiting to rob me, plain and simple. Last night I filed a “suspicious activity” report, I have never done that in my life, I went and looked up the town police department and reported someone for loitering, have I turned into a complete asshole? In addition to that, I have a real big beef with my neighbors. I love to sit on my deck, listen to some music and smoke my cigars, it is one of life’s purest joys. Lately, I have been unable to relax out there because my neighbors have three kids who sing at the top of their top lungs while jumping on a tramp-o-line, I understand they are kids but at 8:30 at night on a Wednesday, enough is enough, tell these pork chop looking demons to get inside the house and let me relax. We aren’t even talking good songs, these people are singing shit like “Firework” by Katy Perry or “Sine U Been Gone” by Kelly Clarkson, I want to hang myself with wax dental floss. In addition, I keep finding tennis balls that they throw over into my yard along with sticks. I used to be happy go lucky, granted I was four years old, but since then I have been at war with people who annoy me, who grind my gears to the point that I need to go inside and sulk and be miserable.

I have also had enough of the sob stories on social media, stop doing shit for attention, there are plenty of real issues to choose from now in the World to take a stand on, seriously, have your pick of shitty situation in our country right now. I gotta look at people writing about how tough work is for them and how hard adjusting to working from home has been. We have people dying in the streets and you got the pebbles to be bitching about your work situation and how grueling it is? You’re a twenty-four year old single woman living on the beach, let me take time out of my day to pray for your work situation, WAHHHH. I saw some moron the other talking about how hard quarantine has been for him because the gym has been closed. You want to talk about weight problems big dog? I drink a milkshake and my ass jiggles for a month like I am being constantly spanked by the infamous Howard Stern robbo-spanker. So, why don’t you relax with the notion that your life is in turmoil because you can’t workout your lats for a few months. You want to talk about real problems folks? Here’s a few nuggets from a twenty-seven year old blogger – I am a recovering alcoholic who suffers from a chronic illness am the child of one of the ugliest divorces in modern western civilization and I can’t catch my breath for 25-35 minutes after I walk up a flight of stairs. When was the last time you heard me bitching about it? Try and help people who are suffering from the same things as you, don’t throw a pity party so people will tell you how awesome you are or how great you look.

I have to also mention the fact that I got a Florida vacation planned for February and if I miss out on churros, Hawaiian shirts and photo-ops with Donald Duck because people won’t put a mask on and not stay out of bars for the next few months, I am going to lose it. I can also go the other way, if we just live in a World where nobody gives a shit and everyone gets infected then I can deal with that too. I can’t be a puppet in the middle with a bunch of drunken USF frat boys pulling the strings and making me dance like a fool with my little mask on while they do butt luges on the beaches of Daytona infecting everyone for a 1,000 mile radius. If you wanna’ get nuts, let’s get nuts. I understand this virus is dangerous but not everyone does so they have called my bluff, I am willing to go outside and risk death if nobody is willing to change or lets hunker down for the next 3-4 months everyone wear a mask and let’s get rid of this thing, we can’t be in the middle so if someone gets the memo before me, please, let me know.

I could write a lot more, but this was a good start, a second installment will most likely follow. Therapeutic for sure. Hear, hear to the ProcrastiNation!