I’m Not Watching Nine Hours on Tom Brady

Following the success of The Last Dance, the Worldwide Leader venturing into another multi-part documentary seemed inevitable. ESPN wasted no time in declaring the topic of next year’s docuseries: six-time Super Bowl Champion and the newest Tampa Bay Buccaneer, Tom Brady.

What. A. Drop-off.

Michael Jordan is cool. There has been a shroud of mystery around his personal life. He has epic trash talk stories. We know his story but we also didn’t know his story. His feats inspired us to speculate about his greatness. Was it really the flu during the flu game? The rumors that swirl around his two year absence from the NBA. He’s someone who seemed larger than life.

You know who has none of those features? Tom Brady.

Tom Brady spent twenty years as part of the only organization on planet Earth that managed to make a serial killer boring. The New England Patriots were exciting for about 20 months with Randy Moss and haven’t been exciting since. They weren’t exciting before that. They won’t be exciting again.

For the first half of his tenure in New England Brady acted as a game manager who rode a world class defense to three championships. In the second half of his career he became more of an offensive weapon, but can you name one memorable performance? The Atlanta Super Bowl with a world class choke job? All those Week 11 wins over a hapless Miami/Buffalo/Jets team? Get out.

Is this documentary going to cover Brady leaving his pregnant girlfriend for Gisele? Is there some weird drama with Matt Cassell after he almost Wolly Pipped Brady and showed the whole world that it just might be the Belichick system? Are we going to hear about him running off Jimmy GQ? Will he get into Belichick drama or is it just going to be a lovefest with him and Kraft?

Are any of those questions even remotely as interesting as even the most boring moments of The Last Dance? No.

I am sure there are nine hours of Brady content available to us, but I am sure I don’t care.