Wal Mart Is The Wild West

I went to Wal-Mart on Mother’s Day, let me preface this whole blog by saying that I despise Wal-Mart. I am not a fancy man by any means, I don’t think I am better than anyone else but I will tell you that Wal Mart is a place where dreams go to die. When I step into that store, I feel like I am transported to another dimension, where society has completely given up and no rules exist, it is a free for all and nobody seems to mind.

This quarantine has really thrown off a lot of things, primarily for the ProcrastiNation Princess and myself, we have been sheltering away from our three-year-old nephew who is pretty much our best friend. Where I live, they are currently pulling back restrictions so we decided to do a Mother’s Day get together in my backyard so we could finally see our family. I figured, in order to keep my favorite uncle status with the three year old, I would go get him a couple of toys for when he comes over. Wal Mart is about 2.5 miles away from my house so out of pure convenience, I decided I would go there at 8:30a.m. before a crowd arrived so I could do what I had to do and get back home. I was sadly mistaken, this place was JUICED, pure chaos at 8:30a.m. on the Lord’s day.

I do all the grocery shopping in our house but other than that, i admittedly hate shopping, I wear the same clothes that I have had since the 9th grade and I do everything via amazon unless I have to buy a new suite for work or something then I will go into a store, aside from that, I hate it. This might not only occur at Wal-Mart but every aisle is filled with items from different aisles, it is madness, the clothes are scattered on the floor, there is a shoe in the frozen foods, a connect four in the landscaping section and an aquarium in the electronics. It’s like the store got turned upside down one day and all the employees were like “screw it, let them fend for themselves and go on a scavenger hunt through this place”.

I am not getting political here or telling people what to do, I don’t care whether or not you choose to wear a mask in public but what I will tell you is that you can’t have the mask around your chin with your mouth exposed. Don’t go half ass, either step out or jump in the deep end with two feet. Wal Mart is filled with people doing the half mask thing. This one lady is pushing a cart with the half-mask look and her kid is licking the handle bar of the cart, DO SOMETHING LADY, this is lunacy, we are in a global pandemic and little Jill is licking the cart and you’re coughing all over the discount jeans with your half mask, FIGURE IT OUT!

I figured I could get the toys and potentially snag some flowers for my mother-in-law and sister-in-law in the process, well the flowers were wiped out, the only thing that was left were wilted flowers from Mother’s Day 1998. I scrounged up what I could and grabbed two bouquets, not grabbing a cart after I saw the kid turn the last cart into a lollipop and nobody on the crack staff of Wally World is cleaning any cart in sight. My biggest fear come to life, I am a germ-a-phobe, I take two showers a day, I wash my hands constantly and aside from food poisioning, I haven’t been seriously sick in years (knock on wood; I also overcame a life threatening muscle condition as a child, no big deal, you can congratulate me, I am not a hero) I was pacing through this store like I was on fire.

I arrived at the toy section where I found a Batcave/Wayne Manor hybrid, balanced that in my arms with the flowers, got a Batman and Clayface action figure and topped it all off with a Buzz Lightyear. Best Uncle of the year has my name written all over it. I’m balancing these toys and flowers like I am a deranged circus performer, I turn the corner to the check-out line and the line is a New York City block long. Along with shopping at this hell hole, I also hate waiting in lines, I also hate germs…. but the “do it yourself” check-out line has nobody in it, an oasis, winking me right in the eye, calling my name. What do I do? Do I run the risk of germing myself or what in this god forsaken line, decision time, I decided I had to tempt fate and go to the do it yourself line.

I look over to the line that I was debating standing in, there she was, the cart licking kid who had made me question why I was here. She stared up at her mom, poked her head over the side of the cart and spit up everywhere, puke filled check-out line, Scors had made the right decision, the “do it yourself” check out line had been the right path.