Part 3: Macy’s to Close 125 Stores And I Don’t Care.

Thats right. You read that correctly. Macy’s is closing stores and I don’t care. Honestly I hope they close every single Macy’s and that every trace of Macy’s on this good green Earth is erased. They are an absolute embarrassment and I’m done. Out. Goodbye.

Now I know what you’re probably thinking, “don’t you support Macys? You wrote those posts about losing them and the impact of losing them on local communities which would suggest that you do, in fact, care about Macy’s survival, right?” Wrong. Completely wrong.

Pre-covid I began this odyssey of a mini series when I visited the Macy’s at the Newport Centre Mall in Jersey City, New Jersey. Why? What did i need? Jeans. What color? Black. Why? Because I have style and swagger and the possibilities with black jeans is endless so read a book.

I ventured out of my Hoboken apartment in the direction of the mall and after being too cheap to get an uber underestimating the distance to the mall and walking for roughly 45 minutes I finally arrived.

First of all, the mall is disgusting. It is absolute chaos. There are droves of people of all ages milling about. Families and strollers perusing stores and high schoolers in packs literally sprinting around. There are even vagrants and drug dealers milling about. Now I’ve never been one to have anxiety but in 2020 crowded indoor places with people doing whatever the fuck they want, screaming and shouting, sprinting past you, cops and security guards posted up doing nothing, is a recipe for disaster. So right off the bat we’re not off to a good start to say the least.

A tale as old as time and I entered the mall at the wrong entrance and now need to walk 6.7 miles to the Macy’s past these drifters and itinerant wanderers. Finally I arrive and its mayhem. Absolute mayhem. It practically made the rest of the mall look tranquil. Its like the thousands of people in the mall knew where I was headed, went to Macy’s, smoked crack and lost their absolute minds. The store honestly looked like the lawlessness after a hurricane and there is no one around to maintain order. People sprinting, legitimately sprinting, around the store. Unaccompanied minors spread out laying on the floor screaming and crying. Kids playing tag. Fucking TAG in a Macy’s. The same gangs of teenagers from the food court have now moved to Macy’s to continue their night. Full grown adults just posted up staring at their phones in the dressing rooms. Clothes ripped off the racks and laying on the floor. Dirty carpets. Trash cans overflowing. It’s disgusting. Two floors and 150,000 square feet of chaos and no one is doing a thing to bring back equilibrium.

I attempt to look for black jeans and find one pair and realize this store has got it all wrong. Everything. Top to bottom. I get the department store concept. Multiple brands and retailers with their own square footage and display in one place. But it’s wrong. Completely wrong. The concept is a failure. Why? Because everything should be broken down by article of clothing and not individual brands. Winter coats should have a section, quarter zip sweaters should have a section, and yes, jeans, particularly black jeans, should have a section.

Don’t believe me? Think Im wrong? Let’s look at Home Depot. Perfect example. Say you need lumber. You walk in and the lumber section isn’t broken down by whatever lumber company sold it to Home Depot -its broken down by 2x4s and 4x4s. Still think I’m wrong? You need a table saw so you go to the table saw section and there’s multiple manufacturers and brands all sitting next to one another. Why? Because it doesn’t make any sense to give Ryobi, Dewalt, and Bosch their own separate sections of the store to sell their table saws where they’ll also sell their own pressure washers and lawn mowers together. People are there to shop for what they need (i.e. lumber or table saws or black jeans) not to peruse everything the manufacturer or designer has come out with. It only serves to throw everyone off.

Still don’t believe me? Look at Home Depot or even Macy’s website. Is everything searchable and accessible only by brand or can you search and compare sweaters and khakis separately side by side against their competitors. It wouldn’t make any sense to do otherwise.

So what did I do? I left. I’m stressed from just being in the mall, but this, this was another level. The sheer madness in the store alone I practically blew a gasket. The people, the lack of organization, and the sheer disgusting mess alone got me out of there. Where did I go? Did I give up? Did I throw in the towel. Hell no. I brushed the dirt off, collected myself and went to Auntie Anne’s. A staple of the shopping mall world and to be frank, a national treasure. Unfortunately the walk to the mall in sub-arctic temperatures and the bullshit from Macy’s left me completely frazzled (yes, frazzled) and I ended up getting pretzel bites and no drink. An absolute death sentence. Garlic pretzels and pepperoni pretzels and oil drums of lemonade flowing before my eyes and I get fucking pretzel bites. Wtf. However, I found a bench, took a deep breath, and consumed my snack.

During my Auntie Anne’s I considered my alternatives. Leave without my jeans or sack up and find a solution. And find a solution I did. Kohl’s. Ever heard of it? It was incredible. Perfect. Two floors of tranquility. Sure some brands we’re organized together, but the jeans, the jeans were all together. Every make and model of jeans you could ever imagine was sitting beside one another. I grabbed a few different kinds and made my way to the dressing room which was spotless. There weren’t ragged clothes and old men sitting on benches outside the dressing room. The doors worked and they were clean, what more can you ask for?

Start to finish I was in and out of Kohl’s in 30 minutes and its safe to say I will never return to Macy’s and I pray their demise is swift and comes soon because that store is awful and should be made illegal.

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