The Worst People of Quarantine List

The “look at me working out” person

For god’s sake, just do your workout and don’t record it. Don’t post it anywhere. I promise you no one really cares. What are you trying to prove? Last time I checked, proving to everyone how productive you are isn’t going to catapult us out of this situation any quicker. People aren’t going to treat you any differently after this because they knew you did 100 burpees mixed with some kettle bell squats while you were stuck at your home. If this is you and you’re reading this, I’m sure the response is: “But it’s what I like to do and it makes me feel better so why would I care what you think?” Ah yes, so go do it, don’t take videos of it, and feel better! Voila!

The “positive and motivational” person

Listen, everyone’s feeling down and out right now. This sucks. Oh well, it’s natural. No other way around it. The last thing I need is your fraud, smiling face screaming at me that “We will get through this!” No shit, Karen. I know there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. I don’t need your motivational tips and positive spirit to help me out here. I don’t need to hear some generic motivational quote that you think will magically turn me into a different person. Let me sulk in peace for the time being and get back to my normal life when this all subsides. I appreciate your effort (not really), but you aren’t making much of a difference. Hate to break it to ya. 

The well off person who is “really struggling” during all this

I was ready to declare the workout video person King/Queen of the Worst, but man, this one is extremely close. Over the past couple weeks, I’ve been seeing a lot of content not only from celebrities but from others in my area. Not only do these people come from high-income families, but they are in good health and have above average jobs – that they haven’t been laid off from. Please spare me with your cries for help. Dear lord, there’s people out there who can’t afford to feed their kids, who were living paycheck to paycheck PRIOR to being laid off from their minimum wage job. I think you’ll be ok while you can’t dine at your favorite steakhouse or spend $200 on a Sunday brunch that you attend strictly to post an Instagram story. Meanwhile, others will be having Kraft mac ‘n cheese for dinner 4 nights in a row. Get a clue.

The controversial person

Whether it be the 45 year old Mom on Facebook, or the miserable prick at your local supermarket, I just have no time or place for these losers. These are the ones that love to call you out for standing 5 and a half feet away from them. They LOVE to go on rants on their social media pages about the group of 4 people they saw sitting together at a picnic table in the park. You walked in to your gas station to quickly grab a drink without gloves on? Don’t worry! I’m sure they’ll be in there to turn their nose up at you. Maybe they’ll even snap a picture and post it online for their 21 followers to scoff at. Get lost! I had to restrain myself at Chipotle a couple weeks ago from this type of person as I was standing there waiting to pick up my online order. Some lousy old woman had the nerve to ask me to back up 1 OR 2 STEPS because I was IN HER AREA! Naturally, I bit my tongue, shook my head and backed up. But wow, what a scene it would have been if I tagged the guy in standing behind me like we were the Hardy Boyz circa 2007 – that poor woman would have been heart broken as I broke out the Swanton Bomb on her off of a Chipotle table. A boy can dream… 

At the end of the day, this is the United States of America. We will get through this. Unfortunately, this has brought out the worst in a lot of people. When we do get to the other side of this tunnel, hopefully these same people will start to have a lot more appreciation for some of the smaller things in life. I know I will.