We live in a world where we are forced to conform to the ideas and beliefs of society, it’s only natural, there are certain things that everyone should adhere to or you will likely be viewed as a piece of shit. Respect old people, protect children, think of others before yourself, those three things are some beliefs that everyone should get behind, along with many others. That’s not the point of my blog today, I want to let you guys in on some of the things that I am never going to do even though society probably wants me to, or it is the cool thing to do, not me, not no way, not no how.
First up, I am never going to eat Cauliflower pizza. Look, if you want to eat vegan or vegetarian or whatever the hell you have to be to eat cauliflower pizza, that’s your business. I am never going to do that, if I want to get fat and eat pizza like a normal human being I will do so, I certainly don’t need you lying through your teeth telling me that it tastes the same as regular pizza or how much of a healthy alternative it is, nobody cares that you work out and are in shape, get over yourself. Another thing to stem off of the cauliflower pizza, don’t ever brag about how often you work out, or that you run a lot, or can lift certain amount of weight, literally nobody cares, we live in a nation of fat slobs, I am one of them and we don’t need your protein shakes and spandex all up in our face while we want to do what Americans do, eat with no consequences. I grew up in upstate New York, the descendant of Italians on both sides of my family, I am not 100% Italian but I am comfortably over half and I am 100% a lover of good pizza. God forbid my great grandmother caught me eating a cauliflower pizza, I would be shunned, excommunicated, banished!
I am never going to conserve water, look I live in an area where it is not an issue to use water, if I was out in Los Angeles during the droughts obviously I would adapt, but here on the east coast, I am using it up. People for years have told me that I waste water because I take a minimum of two showers a day. News flash, have you seen my hair? You don’t get hair as beautiful as mine unless you condition that twice a day, eat your heart out John Stamos. I also leave the water running when I brush my teeth, if you turn it off during your brush then I certify you as an absolute lunatic, you need that relaxing flow of water while you brush and then you have access to a quick rinse, you can’t be fumbling around with the brush, the toothpaste cap and trying to turn the water back on, get serious people. Sometimes, you need to leave the water running to fumigate the area, it’s fool proof.
I am never going to like Ellen Degeneres, she’s the worst, she is everything that is wrong with celebrities, she is as fake as they come. Earlier this week a comedian named Kevin Porter issued a challenge on twitter, he would donate money to the LA Food Bank for every story he got about Ellen from someone who knew her, worked with her or knew someone who was associated with her. Let me tell you, the stories are totally believable, and all her dancing and pretentious persona cannot mask these stories. Here are some of them:
1. I worked @RealFoodDaily, served her & Porsha at brunch. She wrote a letter to the owner & complained about my chipped nail polish (not that it was on her plate but just that it was on my hand). I had worked till closing the night before & this was next morn, almost got me fired.
2. Was wrking on a show @ WB that was next to her stage. Was our showrunner’s 50th Bday. Caterer grilling steaks outside for special fancy lunch. Ellen sent someone over to demand they stop, as she doesn’t eat meat. She’s the worst.
3. i was PAing for the Letterman special and her rider was 50 items long and one was specific vegan cauliflower puffs that are rarely sold so i had to drive to 15 different grocery stores to find it and she didn’t even touch them
4. An old friend worked on her lot & smiled & said “good afternoon” to her one day & she became unhinged. “Who do you think you are? You don’t look at me” yada yada. She said Portia was with her & seemed embarrassed & tried to calm her down. Has forever changed my opinion of her.
5. Another friend of mine was a PA on her show and when Russell Brand came into the employee break area to chat with the crew and hang out, Ellen came in and got mad at him – saying he didn’t have to interact with these people, that’s why guests have their own area backstage.
6. I lived in LA, got my hair done at Mèche, where there were a lot of celebrities. I always asked employees who was the meanest, who was the nicest. Nice: Julia Roberts, Cameron Diaz, Rita Wilson. Mean: Ellen (overwhelming number) and Charlize Theron (saw first hand).
7. My sister worked for the Ellen Show for two years. This is from her: “I saw Ellen in the hallways every day and would say hello and she never once said hello back. She wouldn’t smile. She wouldn’t even acknowledge me at all. For two seasons.”
I will never hunt down money that is owed to me, this might be stupid of me but I can’t deal with this, nothing pisses me off more. Nothing worse than letting someone borrow money and they never give it back to you. The worst part is when it comes from some of your best friends, what are you going to do, end the friendship over a couple bucks? Absolutely not, but there is nothing worse than owing people money and I can’t fundamentally understand how people just go through life without paying your debts, it has to be so uncomfortable. As much as you want to chase it down after you haven’t been paid back, it’s just not worth it, it’s not worth the effort.
I am never going to not laugh at things that I determine are funny. Look, I understand that the world has changed and the political correctness is more prevalent than ever, that doesn’t mean we can’t still laugh! I think we need to look at comedy for what it is, and jokes for what they are, they are not supposed to be taken literally and ruin your day. Take a look at where the joke is coming from and in what context the joke is being told. For me, it all stems from Howard Stern, I grew up on the show and would listen non-stop, my mother let me listen, we bond over it. I learned that as crazy some of the things Howard would say, it was done in a comedic manner, not everything was supposed to be a literal depiction of what he was discussing. We all need to learn to laugh, shake things off and really get fired up and angry about offensive comments from offensive people who mean to cause harm.
Hear, hear to the ProcrastiNation!