We have mentioned before that people have affectionately compared me to Larry David’s character on Curb Your Enthusiasm. Perhaps, I am a bit miserable, grumpy and more easily annoyed than most twenty-seven year olds, at least I can admit to that. I have a list a mile long of things that bother me beyond belief. Should these things bother me? No, not at all, but what can I say, they do. Perhaps I take them too literally, perhaps I look at the people who hang these motivational signs and they could not be farther from the truth of their existence. Look, I have no problem with a welcome mat or a sign that says “Millers est. 2014” or something along those lines, I am not a complete psychopath, but I am teetering on that line when it comes to irrational things that bother me, that most people wouldn’t think twice about or might even find adorable, that, I can’t have. Let’s get into this:
SIGNS THAT DISTINGUISH WHICH ROOM I AM IN
Well, thank God you decided to spend $52 on a sign that makes it known we are in the laundry room. If you didn’t I was going to confuse myself, think I am in the bathroom, drop my sweatpants and take a dump in your washing machine. Crisis averted, can you imagine if you didn’t put this sign up, your visitors would be wandering into this room non-stop, questioning what might happen in this room, trying to put baked goods in the dryer, sleeping on the ironing board, mass hysteria cycling throughout your house on a daily basis.
THE “FUNNY” PET SIGN
Look, I am about to throw out a scorching hot opinion that a lot of people might not like, I don’t really care. People who treat dogs like children bother the bejesus out of me. Those types of people would have this sign and signs just like it plastered throughout their entire house. Pets are not children, nobody wants to go to your dogs second birthday party and nobody wants to hear you compare “raising” your dog to raising an actual human baby. I love dogs, always have, always will, but we need to stop it. My grandparents dress their dog up in a coat to take it outside and push it in a stroller so her paws aren’t rough up by the concrete and salt during the winter, WE NEED SOME TYPE OF ORDER! We can’t allow signs like this to be spread throughout the house, we get it, you love your dog, you don’t have to announce it. I love dogs, we all love dogs but we don’t need the reminder of how much you care for your dog with some stupid sign you picked up at the farmers market.
THE CROOKED, UPSIDE-DOWN, WORDS SIGN
Look, if you hang one of these stupid signs in your house, I am going to read it. So, do me a favor and not buy a sign that makes me get on my hands and knees spin my head around like I am a young Linda Blair just so I can get the message that you are trying to convey with your righteous projecting signage throughout the house.
THE MY FAMILY IS DYSFUNCTIONAL SIGN
Hey everyone, sorry our beautifully clean, 2,200 square foot house as some papers laying around, we are super messy, but guess what, it sometimes is worse! You and your spouse both work full-time jobs and you have three kids but you want to shove it in our less organized faces with a pretentious sign that says how messy your house is but in reality its gorgeous and better than all of our houses. You know the person that would have this sign, the 47 year old mom who puts up an Instagram collage with this sign in the leadoff spot, followed by the Stepford model family, makes me want to puke.
THE RELIGIOUS SIGN
So, this is a bit tricky. I am a somewhat religious guy in the sense that I pray everyday. I grew up catholic and like I said, I pray, read the good book from time to time but I choose to practice quietly, not the biggest public worship guy on the block. With saying that, in your own home, if you are religious and want to get some spiritual motivation, thats your business. My frustration with these signs comes from the irony of the people hanging them. My good friend has one of these Old Testament sayings hanging in his house, I have seen that kid break 7 of the 10 Commandments in person so the irony strikes me like the slap on the hand from a nuns ruler.
THE WINE/ALCOHOL SIGN
So hilarious! You are a grown adult who chooses to drink alcohol but you feel it necessary to let me know that you do that. If Karen didn’t let me know that she drinks wine by hanging a sign, I am sure that her stained teeth, slurring speech and stories of how she was so attractive in 1987 will do the trick.
THE DAILY INSPIRATION
We wake up every morning, we head to our 9-5, try to lose some weight, and have enough money to support our family. I think the inspiration sign should read “go for a jog tubby” or “don’t gamble as much” or “mow the lawn more often”. These are the inspirational type things that I need to see in the morning, nothing about a grateful heart or some other wooden carving, ten cent wisdom.
There you go, you might think I am crazy, this is just the beginning, a lot of things bother me, figured we would start with the signs. Hear, hear to the ProcrastiNation.