The Bachelor Episode VIII: Hometown Honeys

I AM BACK FROM VACATION! Home town dates! Everybody stay calm! First up is Hannah Ann who tells Peter that her Dad Ranger Rick is a lumberjack and he wants a real tough man for his daughter. Peter, the man who had bandages wrapped around his head for four weeks after bumping his head on a golf cart, who flies planes high above the hippie filled California hills, the definition of tough. Hannah Ann brings Peter to an axe throwing bar, surprised we didn’t pre-game in a Wal Mart parking lot to hit the white trash trifecta. If the cheesy pork rinds at the axe bar didn’t make you puke then Peter’s “Favorite Things” letter to Hannah certainly will, as Hannah Ann would say “oh my word”.

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It is time to meet Hannah Ann’s Knoxville family. Ranger Rick look likes he wants to throw an axe through the head of Peter. Peter has to walk the high wire of explaining to Hannah’s mother about how much he likes Hannah Ann and wants to express his love for her but he has yet to do so. Ranger Rick lays down the hammer with Peter and is not impressed with Peter’s millennial cliches of love, Peter tells Rick he is falling in love with his daughter and Rick almost laughs it off and isn’t impressed with the potential of his daughter getting heart broken.

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Hannah Ann and Peter share a moment outside of Hannah Ann’s house and Peter explains to Hannah the warning that was bestowed upon him, Peter hurdles that warning and tells Hannah Ann that he is falling in love with her and the two young lovers exchange a passionate kiss within eye sight of Ranger Rick who is sharpening his axe in the living room. Peter is ecstatic knowing that Hannah Ann is in love with him and he is feeling confident in this relationship.

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Our next date is Kelsey in Iowa and the two of them create their own bottle of wine by stomping on grapes in the wine capitol of the world…. Cedar Point, Iowa. Kelsey would be my pick to win, she seems like she has experience, she’s gorgeous and she is capable of standing up for herself, I am a big fan. Kelsey tells Peter that she is in love with him and she is excited for her family to meet Peter.

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Kelsey’s family home is gorgeous, hey Pete, you can’t fly planes forever, might want to fall ass backwards into some cash here pal. Kelsey’s family seems very receptive of Peter coming into their home and shares an Iowa delicacy, crab rangoon, Peter has never tasted the gooey asian deliciousness that is the crabby goon. Kelsey’s family seems somewhat normal and doesn’t appear to be putting on fronts for the producers and cameras.

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Kelsey’s hometown was the most normal, happy, subdued, boring date in Bachelor history. That should be a sign to Peter that Kelsey is the move for you but that would be too easy, we need to crank this drama up a little, let’s see what is next.

Heading to Auburn, Alabama the hometown of Madison. She is an Auburn Tiger through and through, her Dad is the assistant basketball coach at the University for the mens hoop team and she is completely in her element on campus. They enter the arena with a message from the ROUND MOUND OF REBOUND himself, Charles Barkley, wow.

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Time to check out Peter’s basketball skills with the help of Head Coach Bruce Pearl, the Tigers are pulling out all the stops to impress Peter. I am one of the biggest Bruce Pearl guys in the world, seeing him cracking jokes and living it up makes me want to have Peter give Bruce Pearl a rose. Madison vs Peter in one on one ends in a Madison victory, HAND OVER THE MAN CARD PETER!

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Time to meet Madison’s family over a delicious filet mignon dinner, rolling out the red carpet for Peter. Thank the good lord Madison looks like her mother, Madison’s Pops is not a sight for sore eyes, hope I don’t get shamed for making fun of a college basketball coaches appearance, bad boy life.

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Another year, another virginity announcement on national television. Madison is indeed saving herself for marriage and the producers know that virginity sells and the bachelor does one thing better than anyone, they play the hits. Morals, religion, virginity – Madison’s family is bashing Peter over the head with these mantras.

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Madison’s Dad was far from impressed with Peter and while Madison tries to sell Peter to her family, it hasn’t been met with open arms. Madison’s Dad, Chad, is concerned about the upcoming fantasy suites and makes sure to remind Madison to be true to herself and honestly, her dad seems like the type of dad you would want any girl to have. He is supportive, protective and isn’t letting some weirdo pilot come in here and bullshit his way to Madison’s hand in marriage, good for Chad with the bad haircut. Before the date ends, Peter makes it known that he loves Madison, the first girl to get that type of recognition from Petey.

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We move onto Victoria in Virginia Beach where she is greeted by Peter who comes jogging onto the beach like a less cool David Hasselhoff. Peter shows Victoria his softer side and plays fetch with her dog, the clear way to a woman’s heart. Some old time photos and ice cream cones play up this old school lovers day out and why not, Virginia is for lovers after all. Victoria is completely falling for Peter according to her conversations with the producers. Victoria brings Peter to her favorite bar where they are greeted by Hunter Hayes who plays a set for them. Much better than the last convert they attended where Victoria’s ex boyfriend was the man with the guitar. Hunter Hayes looks like a younger, microwaved version of Patton Oswald (Spence from King of Queens). Peter dances like every white guy you have seen at a wedding, aka me, but even I might be a tad bit more in rhythm than Peter.

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Before Peter leaves the date he is stopped by an ex girlfriend from his past who recalls a jacket Peter bought from the GUESS store she worked at, pretty creepy. She tells Peter to be aware of Victoria, this anonymous girl is from Virginia Beach and she tells Peter to beware of Victoria, because the rumors around town will only lead to Peter’s heartbreak. An absolute atomic bomb from this blurred out face who appeared walking between the raindrops. Just when you thought this episode was going to end with no drama, the producers dialed up a hail mary and we have ourselves a completion.

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Peter now must decide how to handle this situation with Victoria before meeting her family. The awkwardness is noticeable right away and the tension can be cut with a knife. Peter tells Victoria of the meeting with his ex girlfriend and Victoria is PISSED and she wants no part of Peter’s story. Victoria has reached her breaking point she tells the cameras to get away and begins to cry. Honestly, Peter is a moron, you let some random ex girlfriend who you didn’t recognize come and tell you rumors about Victoria and completely ruin your date and her hometown date, Peter has butchered a lot of moments on this season and this is his crowning jewel. I think Victoria has gotten a really shit end of the stick and to be honest this is the most real conversation that I have ever seen on the Bachelor, I for one love it. I really feel bad for Victoria in this moment, I might be naive but I think she is a good person, emotional, yes, but overall a good and caring person. Peter leaves without meeting Victoria’s family, a truly heartbreaking moment for Victoria and her family, her mom and dad come out onto the street and console her while Peter drives away and he looks like a complete asshole.

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Peter wakes up the next morning still in Virginia Beach, feeling horrible. Oh baby, the tension is mounting, he claims to be heart broken. A knock on the door, who could it be? It’s Victoria, she didn’t hear no bell. Bachelor must have been on a budget because Peter is staying in a run down, spring break motel that looks like there is bodily fluid stains throughout the residence. This ticking time bomb of a relationship appears to be at its breaking point, Peter is concerned of Victoria’s inability to stay in the fire and not walk away, Victoria explains that she doesn’t want to walk away, she says she is in love with Peter but she needed to tell him how she felt. Powerful stuff here, Victoria fired one final shot in hopes that Peter would stay.

It is time for the rose ceremony, the pressure is on for Peter to make a decision and with only three roses available, one of these lovely ladies is heading home and the other three will be venturing into the fantasy suites. Time for Pete to get into windmill form!

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So, here we go, inside of an airplane hanger, naturally, let’s hand out some roses Petey. The first rose goes to Hannah Ann, the second rose is handed out to Madison and the third and final rose goes to… VICTORIA. A 1980 US Olympic Hockey team type of upset, unbelievable, DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES, YES! Wow, Kelsey heads home, I am shocked, this is unreal, Peter eliminates the final blonde and it is a brunette filled fantasy suite.

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Until next time Bachelor fans, thanks for tuning in yet again and hear hear to the ProcrastiNation!