The Bachelor Episode VII: The Final Four

SURPRISE. Thats right kids Scors is long gone on his vacay and JCOUGHLIN is taking over. OH I’m sorry did you not get the memo? Did you think your favorite Bachelor writer was here to break down the compelling and dramatic synopsis that comprises the BACHELOR. Well TOO BAD. Scors left me in charge to tend to your precious little bachelor coverage while he and Stevie Ray are off gallivanting on their couples retreat living the high life. A Disney soiree filled with sunshine and rainbows while the rest of ProcrastiNation soldiers on, lumbering through the dead of winter, picking up the slack, grinding the grindstone, and carrying on the blog. Tonight I’m taking over and breaking down your favorite show of the week so buckle in or click the back arrow I don’t really give a fuck cause this train is leaving the station. CHOO CHOO.

I watched literally one episode of this show and the last thing I remember is some blonde chick throwing up in a hanger bathroom after using a zero gravity machine thats primarily used to train f-22 pilots spinning out of control at mach 1 and 2 broads in a tricycle race on a tarmac so this should go over well. I had to leave work early (and yea that was at 5pm nbd), cut my lift short (monday chest day obv) AND this shithole of a city hoboken new jersey has decided to fuck with our water for the last week and counting and I had to shower using the bathtub faucet so I’m in a pissed off mood as it is so this will be fun for everyone!

Idk wtf Scors does with this shit but i’m doing a live play by play here so if you were looking for some in depth analysis you can kick rocks.  

AND WERE OFF. Great, right out out of the gates youtube tv has stalled out and now I’m running 2 minutes behind but it looks like they’re in some economically depressed south american country or florida. Oh it’s peru! Coulda told ya that.

Look at these minx holy shit how has he not made up his mind minus kelley. Look at these women losing it over a hotel room get it together

Is that a bandaid on his head? What the fuck happened to peter’s head? Did he get attacked by one of these women? Was there an accident? That is a situation right there. Pete pete in the swaggy swag swag camo jacket i need that. 

Love Petes mom’s token relationship advice, ”you need to be honest to yourself” yeah no shit thanks mom.

Hannah? Who is hannah? A year ago? What? How long is this show i thought it just started 

Madison. Hello.

Side note: they need to stop telling the camera in the cut away’s: “I’m ready” or “it’s such a short amount of time” YEAH YOU KNOW, WE KNOW, THATS THE ENTIRE SHOW 

Peters looking for clarity” YA THINK he’s going to marry one of you 

Looking at them all chumming it up together like they wouldn’t stab each other in the back at the first opportunity. I would give these broads absolutely NOTHING into my mindset fuck off I’m trying to win. I would sit in my room or wait in the lobby over engaging with these hens.  

I know nothing about this show or this season but I know one thing for sure and that is Natasha ain’t happenin’. Pack it up. Whats a 1 on 1? Do they slam? And can they bang whenever I need to know.

THERE’S A NOTE. But what does it say? And MADISON gets the card  -no brainer.  

See what we’re catching”…”catching feelings!” yes! got em!

Why is she taking her bag? Oh wait she’s leaving it by the door OK got it. 

This peruvian harbor is disgusting and the locals do not want them there. 

Wow madison is absolutely bangin. Lock it UP PETE WHAT R U DOING. The sexual tension between these 2 is unparalleled…Pete with the, “Im not going to get hurt again” LOL dude youre marrying someone after 3 weeks of knowing them what the fuck r u talking about.

Do they do anything on this show but talk about their feelings? So heavy all the time lighten it up guys holy shit…look at this little make out sesh on the bow I’d go for it on that boat in front of the cameras I would not care maybe take it down below, you KNOW theres no ventilation down there extra SWAMPY. Must really suck only getting to make out for weeks LET MY MAN LIVE.

Pink sweater hello who r u..?

Blonde lookin like liv tyler… scrappy top 4 I’m into it come to new jersey gurl i got you i give u a new life no water pressure we showerin out of a drain #newbeginnings me n u my queen 4ever

And night falls on peru! 

Who is this jet black hair girl im intrigued. Looks real jersey shore bottle service type gurl you kno what im talkin about.

Natasha! You did it! “This is your time to shine” says another girl whose name I don’t know.

PETE YOUR FACE THE SCAR GROSS PUT THE BAND AID BACK ON 

Hometowns? Whose hometown? Is it in Peru? Oh the chick’s hometown got it.

Maddie’s pastor dad ain’t gonna be happy about this shotgun marriage situation let me tell you, actually, I ASSURE YOU. 

These women talk so much I cannot seriously pay attention to what they’re talking about 99.999% of the time 

Oh here we go talking about our feelings again..marriage, family, religion, my dad, your dad, the boat captains dad, make it STOP…THE SCAR its right there PETE COVER IT UP

Back to the date! So much talking, so many feelings, are they gonna order some food I’m famished!

Gotta feel for pete here he doesnt even have the words to use he uses them so many times with all of them.

Ah the classic “im **falling** in love with you” hahahaha fyi kids thats a little guy talk there and a strategy Ive personally used for getting out of not actually saying “I love you” but making it sound like you’re saying “I love you” but still keeping them anticipating. STAY WOKE.

MADISON GETS THE ROSE SHE WINS…oh nope she doesn’t he just has to go to Alabama.

We all know natasha is going home so this is just painful to watch 

Fur coat brunette chick is my gurl. I’ve decided. I’m into it game over.

Natasha! He’s not going to your house. He’s not meeting your brothers. Sorry but we gotta be real here. But all is not lost. GET PHYSICAL I’m telling you it WILL work.

Sorry just missed like 5 minutes had to fix the plumbing for my toilet…thanks Hoboken!

THERES ANOTHER NOTE!

Victoria looks like a crazy loose cannon type watch out for her, but also ..call me.?

I don’t know if I’m there yet with natasha”…and thats bachelor talk for 60:1 odds.

This is tough to watch because you know it’s over for her. She’s gotta know right? I’d have my passport in my pocket. Dressed to the nines, lookin like a million bucks but you know he’s not about it….“I can see that potential” so cryptic just SAY IT DUDE you were just talking about being honest you want OUT.

And back to the government office building/hotel. HARD pour on the cab sav, ladies gettin liquored up as their dream man is out with some broad. IT MASKS THE PAIN

Wait he’s giving her a rose? NO HE’S NOT! WHY DID U PICK IT UP BRO Y U GOTTA PLAY HER LIKE THAT. Damn a car crash is easier to watch than this…Wait is she done? Did they even get to eat?…Ohhhhh shes outtttt.

Hahahaha who is this fat bald guy walking into the room, uttering not a single word, and taking the bag. They don’t even let her come back to the room? SAVAGE ABC 

Moving on.

Why is the blonde one sprinting down a gravel road, how did you get there She’s def top 3 or 4 at best (how many are there?).

ATV date! so fun! What if he looked back and lost control and went off the mountain? Flames and smoke for miles haha THAT would be an ending.

Pete you “love going down dirt roads and getting lost for miles” Yeah Peter? Tell me the last time you did that. Shoutout to ABC for the script text.  

Sprints up a small hill. **panting** andddd its time to discuss our feelings again! Here we go I seriously blackout when women talk like this there is absolutely nothing you could do to get me to pay attention to that. 

And commercial. Second bachelor audition commercial, do I throw my hat in the ring?

Judging by how the blonde one is sobbing in the video before dinner i’m assuming she’s donzo….She’s way too nervous, chill girl, you got this, i got you, im here for you forever…andddd BACK TO OUR FEELINGS …”my dad“…”i haven’t seen him in years”…I cant pay attention to this! Petey’s scar ain’t gettin better. Neosporin ad time would’ve been PERFECT!…Is this show over yet? Enough already. How much longer its 9:15 and I wanna watch curbed YALL KNO WHAT IM SAYIN LARRY DAVID MY MAN ok back to it…feelings feelings feelings scared sad happy scared happy sad excited feelings feelings feelings wrap it up! Little smooch there eh? go IN for it bud she wants to be smothered not kissed by her dying great grandpa on his death bed …KELSEY thats her name. finally I got it …OK cool time for a quick ranking!

  1. jersey shore bottle service girl
  2. madison 
  3. other brunette with the fake rack
  4. blonde girl

 Back to it…”I’m going to IOWA” is the saddest thing i’ve heard

There’s a note! HANNAH ANN hello the rankings have changed moving up!

Forgot to rank kelley but fuck her no shot pack your bags lady!

3 on 1…?!?! W H A T please GOD let it be so LET IT BE! 

TAKE KELLEY AWAY! ENOUGH!  

Hannah ann u r perfect, do not let kelley bring u down, u r strong, u r independent, i got u

i got the bandage off” oh yeah dude? first off its a bandaid and second it looks like you just had brain surgery so maybe put it back where it was.

Lol pete speaks in spanish to the groundskeeper who clearly speaks english…Is this a 3 on 2..? Get the groundskeeper in it shake it the fuck up

Kelley is LOSING her mind and lashing out on everyone. She’s scared!

Hannah Ann don’t cry, i got u, I’m here for u, peter don’t care 4 u, he don’t kno ur worth, u beautiful…SHE WROTE DOWN HER REASONS haha this is pathetic she even dotted the “I” with a heart hahaha what a nerd

Bottle service gurl gettin up from the patio furniture she mad she cryin she need that cristal with the sparkler!

If you’re weak you’re not gonna last”—kelley with the TRUTH

Oh great, commercial for 11 oclock new york city news and the subway is flooding with 2 feet of dirty polluted rat infested hudson river subway water and another pedophile gets arrested so should be a phenomenal commute tomorrow. It’s a beautifullll dayyyy!!! Don’t let it get awaaaayyyy!!!

Back to the episode. Bottle service gurl mad…kelley has a caboose … “I’ve got the maturity” RIGHT…why is pete leveling so hard with her rn u aint tough bruh chill we kno this.

Back to the bottle service girl dont YOU DARE lay a hand on my queen pete! DONT….nail done hair done lashes done eerthang done…Lol love the sassy ”ur in a mood” instigating an absolutely unwarranted blowout, i love it and i am 100% here for it ”OK” “OK” haha we r perfect for each other!

Im an attorney” chill no one cares…her names Victoria! Where is Pete taking her? ROSE OR NOT “i don’t want to go!” says Vicky. Absolutely pitiful. Shape up, this is the 4th quarter vicky, this is OT, this is last call at the club in seaside heights and you’re short on tips, GIVE IT EVERYTHING YOU GOT …Pete appreciates this and he appreciates that yada yada yada AND SHE DID IT SHE GOT IT LETS FUCKING GOOOO. Im SO happy for u 2 no seriously Im SO happy for u 2 it would never work between us Vicky its fine, I’m fine, im not crying you’re crying…. Kelley says to hannah ann something along the lines of “theres one rose and two of us.” Hey Kelley I know whose goin home and trust me on this one it ain’t the smoke with the fake tits….And boom called it. I mean who couldn’t see that coming that was the most obvious thing i’ve ever seen…look at hannah sobbing pull it together u bum you WON!

Next week! Ones a virgin and waiting for marriage! Horrible news for Pete. Bottle service girl is starting shit! Pete is on the edge of banging one of them! And Pete’s mom out of left field with the serial killer talk “DON’T LET HER GO! DON’T LET HER GO! BRING HER HOME TO US” what the actual fuck that woman is INSANE.

Everything’s changed! New rankings! (jk madison moved up and i learned two more names).

  1. madison
  2. bottle service vicky 
  3. hannah ann
  4. blonde

FINALLY ITS OVER I’M A FREE MAN

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