Road Trip Essentials

When you embark on a road trip it is essential that you are prepared, coordinated and have all the necessities to make the trip an unmitigated success. I, myself will be venturing off on the road tomorrow for a trip south, to the most magical place on earth, Walt Disney World. Where Quarterbacks go after being victorious in the Super Bowl, where parents dump their entire yearly savings so that their children can eat overpriced ice cream sandwiches and ride Space Mountain until those ice cream sandwiches are regurgitated all over themselves.  Those are just a couple of examples, it’s also a place for dapper young bloggers to bring his bride in order to give her the ultimate “vacation” experience, her first time visiting the House of Mouse.

Obviously, taking a plane is the most convenient way to travel but where’s the fun in that? Road tripping, cruising down the open road, that’s half of the adventure. Nobody showed as that more prophetically than Clark W. Griswold, the American family man’s superhero. The lessons we can learn from Griswold’s tenacity and determination to experience Wally World can translate far beyond the road trip, those are hard hitting life lessons, take it and run with it. Whether it be summer, European, Christmas or a once in a lifetime trip, Clark showed us how to handle the pressure packed moments that eat up what is supposed to be a relaxing vacation.

The Tunes
You’re not making it far down the road without being miserable unless you have a fire flames playlist that will be your co-pilot on your journey. For me, it’s simple, I have a rotation of lyrical geniuses that have accompanied me for years. Springsteen, Billy J, Buffet, Biggie, Pac, Yeezy and Barry Manilow. Shut up, don’t start judging me, you are lying to yourself if you haven’t busted out “Mandy” “Copa Cabana” or “Looks Like We Made It”, those are hits and if you’re too cool to admit that then I feel sorry for you. Give yourself a variety of tunes, that is the key here, you don’t want to get stuck in a wormhole of classic rock, 90’s grunge, hip-hop or golden oldies; spread the love around and surprise yourself on what plays next during your trip.

Bathroom Breaks
Be honest with yourself here, do not try to be a hero. If you gotta’ go, you gotta go. Nothing worse than trying to hold it and then frantically pull off an exit, in hopes there’s a bathroom there and then when you do find a desolate gas station (not certain if there is a restroom inside) you have to duck waddle yourself into the establishment in hopes that explosive diarrhea doesn’t extinguish your favorite pair of wranglers. Look, I have tried to be this guy, I can be a man and admit that I have pooped my pants far more often than any grown adult should, but I am giving you these tips in order to help you avoid that embarrassment, misfortune and most importantly, the post Chick Fil A cleanup that ensues. The best ability is availability and pooping your pants puts you on the bench when we need you getting significant minutes in the fourth quarter.

The Snacks
Okay, so this is a tricky concept. I am a germ freak so I outlaw any type of snacks that would make people lick their fingers. Anytime I see someone lick their fingers to remove any type of food residue I want to jerk the wheel into oncoming traffic and call it a career. Can’t win with it, can’t do it. Let’s talk some snacks that don’t make a mess, and preferably a snack that people can share. I go with sunflower or pumpkin seeds, these are delicious, vary in flavors and have limited to no chance of there being any type of unforeseen finger licking incident. If you need a snack that has some substance then I recommend granola bars, kettle cooked chips or candy. These go a long way and can be delicious depending on your selection.

Drinks are important, you need to stay hydrated when you are behind the wheel or being the passenger, as a passenger your responsibility is to navigate and make sure your driver doesn’t pull a Michael Scott on the way to Niagara Falls and take a snooze behind the wheel, that’ll end your precious road trip pretty damn quick. I like water or Gatorade, need to replenish those fluids and electrolytes on a long trip. If you need a pick me up, I would go with the sugar free Red Bull or the Monster Energy, zero calorie that comes in the white can, some type of blue flavor, it’s the best flavored drink known to mankind. If that drink didn’t cause you to be wired, I could drink my way out of an office building filled with that stuff. Yes, an entire office building filled to the brim with white can Monster Energy, Scors in swimmies and a snorkel, gargling down that processed and manufactured blue flavoring.

Last, but certainly not least in my case, we need “dip” otherwise known as good old fashion chewing tobaccy. On a road trip, I might be able to let the bride allow for some dippy-doo to keep me alert behind the wheel. I am a little girl, I like some Skoal pouches, double pouch it up and get yourself a nice spit on while you cruise down the road. It brings me back to my summer days playing baseball in Upstate New York, or coaching on a road trip, cruising through some Podunk town in Pennsylvania with my assistant coaches enjoying a chew. Perhaps, it’s the time I accidentally drank my grandfather’s chew spit that was housed in a sprite can, ahhh the memories. Regardless of what the reasoning might be, it helps you stay awake and remember kids, it is a disgusting, gross, vile habit but you will look cool, remember, being cool is all that matters and there is nothing cooler than being a 27 year old blogger with dip spit stains on his shirt. That’s some cold hard facts.

Your Road Trip Co-Pilot
I hope you can all find someone who you enjoy spending hours in an enclosed space with, for me, it’s my beautiful bride aka The ProcrastiNation Princess ***ALERT, THIS IS A COMPLETE PANDER JOB SO THAT SCORS WILL BE ABLE TO DIP ON HIS TRIP, CONTRARY TO POPULAR BELIEF, HE IS AFRAID OF HIS WIFE AND IF SHE YELLS AT HIM FOR DIPPING, HE WILL COWER AND GIVE IN TO HER DEMANDS***

So, there you have it folks, fill up that tank of gas and hit the open road for your next adventure. God speed and as always, hear hear to the ProcrastiNation.