The Bachelor Episode V: Chasing Waterfalls

Welcome back everyone to another edition of Bachelor Monday! As always, I will be live blogging the entire episode and I think we could be in for a real wild one this evening. There are rumors that there will be another episode on Wednesday night this week but I have not received confirmation on that just yet, obviously, that would be awesome. The more dramatic crying and champagne popping, the better. I can’t get enough of it and you know you can’t either. Let’s get this thing rolling, Bachelor Episode V, starts now:

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Start me up.

What the hell is happening right now!!!! ABC IS CUTTING LIVE TO THE IOWA CAUCUS ELECTION UPDATE. Literally nobody cares, we are missing the bachelor. SOS. SOS. Hey George, zip it! We have Pilot Pete’s journey for love on the line and i’m listening to you yap away about the future of the world, blah blah blah. I got girls firing champagne corks across the room. Woah, sorry, crisis averted. The Bachelor is here, for real this time, let’s roll:

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Georgie

We return where we left off last week, the girls losing their minds on Alayah and Pilot Pete quivering in the hallway, not wanting to deal with this mess at all. Mykenna who is about as articulate as a fourth grader we drank too much benadryl (spell check) is trying to give us a sermon on how people need to handle themselves in the house, I have had enough of Mykenna at this point, annoying beyond belief. Petey emerges and asks to speak to Alayah again in private, he pulls her through the house so they could get some alone time. Peter assures her that he doesn’t care what anyone says about her, she begins to put on the b-list acting skills yet again and starts “crying”.

Wait.A.Minute sports fans, Peter is sending Alayah home yet again, he says the conflict in the house is too much for him to handle. This happens every season in the Bachelor, the guy gets overwhelmed and he slowly starts to get confused and make strings of poor choices. Sending Alayah home is not the bad choice, bringing her back and having back and forth about her status is a string of bad choices, he looks like a complete MORON here. Make a decision and stick to it, nobody wants to see this 8th grade indecisiveness.

Alayah is gone, and Peter returns to a gaggle of ladies who fake sadness for Peter because he is “hurt” that he had to send Alayah home. He apologizes for being “wishy-washy” and asks for their trust and forgiveness. He immediately pulls Natasha away, the only way Pete will regain control is if he starts rapidly sending girls home, make a power move Peter, start cutting this field down to the blue blood tournaments. We need the UNC, Kentucky, Duke, Kansas caliber programs left by the end of this two night spectacular.

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One Shining Momentttttttt

One by one, the girls announce their displeasure with Peter as he sounds like a politician on the campaign trail, recycling the same rehearsed lines over and over and over, each girl thinking they are receiving a unique line from the man of their dreams. Tough look ladies, Pete is as cool as in control in these situations as Barry O during a nationally televised speech, poised, calm, collected. This is when Peter shines, this might have boosted the ol confidence of our leading man. Rose ceremony time. Let’s get nuts.

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Peter claims his sense of hope has been restored and he knows his wife is here now. First rose goes to Madison then as follows – Sydney, Natasha, Lexi, Hannah Ann, Shiann, Mykenna (come on bro), Victoria P (the new villain in this house has taken center stage), Kelly and the final rose of the night goes to …. Tammy. Not really sure who Tammy is, she has been on screen for a total of 37 seconds this season, Peter’s rose ceremony picks have been far different from my selections. Reminder that Kelsey was already safe from the one-on-one date last week. Some of the girls are crying, confused and this man who they have known for 9 days has not confirmed his undying love for them like they had imagined. Absolutely heart-breaking. Peter says it is time to go INTERNATIONAL, this is not a drill, no more Cleveland, Ohio! Ladies we are heading to Costa Rica and we are about to see the claws come out, bachelor contestants can’t handle a trip without a brawl,GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT!

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Why do you not love me, Peter?

12 women remain, Peter needs to start separating the contenders from the pretenders, we arrive at The Springs in Costa Rica and the girls race into the house and head to the … you guessed it, the balcony, to yell HELLO COSTA RICA!! A tale as old as time. If I had a dollar for every time I saw that scripted move on this show I would be back stroking in a pool full of Benjamin’s. Peter emerges from a helicopter wearing the most girly pants I have seen a man wear since I watched Johnny Weir at the Kentucky Derby. Wait a minute, Peter has a slight cut on his head and tells a story of fighting a cougar and the girls, yeah you guessed it, believe him, they look terrified. In reality, Peter bonked the ol’ noodle on a golf cart, shattering a wine glass and stabbing himself in the head. Look people, don’t shoot the messenger, I have to sit through this bullshit week after week. Let the dating in paradise begin, and Sydney is selected to go on the one-on-one. I am going out on a limb and going to say that this girl is a few fries short of a happy meal.

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The remaining women begin to question where they stand with Peter and start to realize there are only 12 people left and some connections are stronger than others, this is a pool of gasoline waiting for a match to be flicked into it.

Sydney says “taking off in the helicopter is like watching their relationship take off” sweet jesus, if this was written it wouldn’t be believable at all, these girls actually believe that these phrases are going to be on the montage of when they are crowned champion … oh wait, I meant when they are proposed to and fall in love, not win a reality TV contest in order to become an Instagram influencer and never work again, not at all what I was trying to convey, I apologize. Peter says Sydney has been his “rock” for weeks, news to us Petey seeing that this girl has had 10 minutes of screen time total. Scors is not overly vindictive but this girl is the closest thing to unbearable as I have experienced in a long while, her voice makes me want to shove bamboo shoots in my ear drums and live the rest of my life sprouting bamboo trees from my head. LOL LOL LOL She tells Peter how she has Hispanic roots (she says this to try to show that her and Peter have a connection, Peter is of cuban decent) and Peter says “oh awesome can you speak Spanish?” She says “Oh yeah! A little bit” Peter speaks in Spanish to her and she looks at him dumbfounded and goes “AWWWWWWWW” and starts kissing him, smooth save sweetheart. Peter declares her the “best kisser in the house” this is equivalent to winning the Heisman trophy. You best believe that she will have that in her Instagram bio in 3…2…1.

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Commercial break in progress and shockingly enough, American Idol is still a television program, mind blown. Nothing like my fond memories of begging my mom to take me to Idol live to see Reuben and Clay absolutely sing their hearts out, phenomenal performance, I was singing along to ON THE WINGS OF LOVE. Absolute fire jam, don’t judge me.

The group date card is here and Kelly will be receiving the elusive one-on-one date and the rest of the girls are miserable. Kelly who is head and shoulders above the rest of the house in regard to being the most down to earth and “normal”. Reminder that Peter has a tiny cut on his head and he is going on and on like he had his arm blown off in a wood chipper accident, he said it has been hard to get over this injury but Sydney has been able to take his mind off it. Now Sydney begins to tell her “sob story” of her parents divorcing and having her mom raise her by herself. I had a single Mom bust her ass too during my teenage years, so shout out to all the single moms out there! Keep grinding, this blog loves you all. Scors is the ULTIMATE mama’s boy. Peter finishes out his one-on-one with Sydney by telling her that he wants to be her rock and gives her the rose, she accepts without hesitation and these two love birds share a passionate kiss. Before they wrap this up, they get into their bathing suits and head into the Costa Rican jungle for a make-out session underneath a waterfall, I am sure most of your first dates with your soon to be rock were just like this.

Kelsey is slowly descending into madness, she is questioning her standing with Peter and is struggling competing with the rest of the girls in the house. It is time for the group date and the girls are ready to compete for Peter in front of each other, this is battle royale that we all want and need. The group date is going to be a photo shoot with Cosmopolitan magazine (oh I have never read or had a subscription to cosmo, so I wouldn’t know what that is, nervously wipes his brow that is sweating frantically). The girls and Peter get into their swimsuits and snap some pics with the professional photographers, the girls are eating it up with a fork and knife. Peter is making-out with girls right in front of all the others and it is full blown crisis mode among the ladies. Victoria F wins the group date competition and gets a one on one photo shoot with Peter and Kelsey looks like she is going to claw Victoria’s eyes out with a stick. The tension is mounting and the feeling is overwhelming.

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Again, I have never read nor subscribed to this magazine***

*** = Scors is definitely lying to his readers.

The group date extends into a cocktail hour where all the girls are able to get some alone time with Peter and express to them how they are feeling with the situation and how things are progressing. I think Hannah Ann is still making a huge impression on Peter, they have a connection and I think she might be his number one and if not, she is comfortably in the top three. It is pretty obvious. Then we have Madison who is also making moves, with every girl that talks to Peter, Kelsey becomes more and more upset. She complains that after the one-on-one she had, she has a tough time adjusting to group dates. Boo Frickity Hoo Kelsey. Oh wait a minute, she’s not mad, she is in love and she just told Peter, the first girl to utter these words to Pilot Pete, when the words left her mouth, Peter smiled a smile that could light up Hollywood Boulevard. Kelsey is alive and well in this competition for Peter’s heart. Perhaps she is not crazy, perhaps she is actually falling in love. At times she seems like she is about to snap and at other times she seems too real for this competition, she is an enigma. Edward E. Nigma. Shout out to Batman Forever.

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Rumblings begin that Kelsey called all the girls fake and Tammy takes it upon herself to tell Peter that Kelsey is becoming the “mean girl” in the house, taking the current title away from Victoria P. In a move that I really dislike, Tammy says that Kelsey has been drinking “excessively” honestly, who the hell is Tammy to call someone out for that type of stuff and now Peter is questioning his decision to move his relationship with Kelsey forward. A red flag has appeared on Pilot Pete’s radar and he calls Kelsey back over to have a follow-up discussion and give her the opportunity to respond to the rumors that have been floating around the house about her supposed “mental breakdown”. Kelsey says it wasn’t a breakdown but it was her handling her emotions in her one way, a mature answer and slowly, Kelsey is beginning to show me a lot, she is moving up my leader board, maybe I am delusional, perhaps I was too hard on Peter, this decision making process can be difficult, we are in this together Pete!

Kelsey is on the warpath and she is ready to call the girls on the carpet, she wants answers. You want answers? You want the truth! Can you handle the truth?

you want me on that wall, you need me on that wall!

Kelsey is crying and demanding answers on who labeled her as “emotionally unstable” she reassures everyone that she is not ashamed of this, she is in fact proud of her actions. The girls all respond to Kelsey and call her out for her being a problematic force within the house. The gloves are off, Kelsey says she is the only one who is emotionally available and vulnerable to Peter, the drama is becoming intolerable for the majority of this household. Peter returns to the girls who are about to go steel cage death match on each other. It is time to give out the group date rose and Peter gives it to ….. Hannah Ann. The remaining girls are stunned, although they shouldn’t be, if you don’t have a rose, get your bags packed because you might be going home tonight!

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Oh, Jesus. I just looked on the info for for the show and this is going on until 11p.m. I love this show as much or more than anyone but come on, three hours of this is a bit extensive, I am getting carpel tunnel syndrome from the non stop blogging. I am not a hero but I am churning out content after my real job to put a smile on your faces while in the cube, thank me in your own way, I am a warrior, fighting through these finger and wrist cramps, for all of you, the readers of ProcrastiNation.

As we roll on in Costa Rica, it is time for Kelly’s one on one date with Pete, who is still wearing the bandage on his face, again, from a golf cart head bumping incident. This is Kelly’s first solo date with Peter and Pete says he is expecting a lot from her today because he feels they are drifting apart, will Kelly answer the bell. The couple is greeted by Ricardo and Pia who are going to complete a spiritual energy exercise with the couple. They want to know their story and Kelly and Peter tell the story of the high school reunion and meeting at the hotel. Is this fate? Or will this romance die in the Costa Rican jungle, only time will tell. It wouldn’t be a spirtual exercise unless the couple stripped down into their underwear to see what the energy has to say about their relationship. Pretty bold strategy to rely on two people playing with fire, living in a straw hut in the middle of the jungle. Kelly is not taking the date seriously and interrupting Peter while he reads his energy cards. I haven;t seen this much confusion between a couple reading energy cards since 007 Roger Moore and Jane Seymour made their way through Ian Fleming’s Live and Let Die.

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When you were young and your heart was an open book.

Peter needs growth, he needs Kelly to commit to this experience or it is time to send this early front-runner home for good. Meanwhile, back at the house, Kelsey is going on full damage control and attempting to extinguish the drama and she is having words with Tammy, so instead of ridding the house of drama, more drama is ensuing. Again, Tammy brings Kelsey’s drinking into question, which bothers me potentially because of my battles with alcoholism but it just seems really off base and uncalled for, especially from Tammy who I didn’t know existed until 45 minutes ago. Nobody should be telling anyone how to cope and handle situations and their emotions but I am firmly against Tammy here and I hope Big Pete tells her to take her righteous soap box and pack it the hell up. Time to move on from this girl. We have hit 9:58pm on the east coast and we still have an hour to go, the Super Bowl was played in less time than this Bachelor episode, this is an absolute marathon.

Kelly and Peter head into the night cap of their solo date and Peter is still searching for the reciprocation of feelings that he has toward her. It is time for Peter to ask Kelly the million dollar question, is she into Peter and does she want to be here? Kelly puts the blame on Peter and says that she hasn’t had time to grow their relationship because Peter has not been as into her as he was in the beginning, but she believes that she has adjusted herself to understand this situation more and she wants to have “fun”. Peter responds back and says that this is not about “fun” this is about “love”. Well, Peter is laying down the hammer and this time it’s not in the windmill, it is a proverbially hammer in the pouring rain in the jungle. Finally, Kelly calls Peter out for his indecision regarding Alayah and the back and forth that ensued with him bringing her back and sending her home and so on and so forth. Kelly responds in a mature way and says she is currently not ready to be engaged to Peter right now but she could see herself falling in love with him but right now she is not 100% convinced of Peter’s ability to challenge her. Peter does however see that she is being real with him and he extends the rose to Kelsey and asks her to go all in for their love (see what I did there, that was a card reference, wooh, i’m good). He asks her to trust the process, let’s go SIXERS! Kelly accepts the rose and the two share a kiss under cover from the down pouring rain. The two young lover head to yet another waterfall and share a passionate make out session in the lagoon.

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Sam Hinkie.

I am like a 55 year old man, this is way beyond my bedtime. I can’t believe this is still going on, we have hit the 10:14pm mark on the east coast. Tammy the “house flipper” from Syracuse, NY is continuing to bash Kelsey, maybe handle your own business Tammy. Also Tammy just said on national television that she has no idea where Iowa is, good work Tammy.

Kelsey goes to Peter’s private quarters in Costa Rica and requests some alone time with him to explain herself and the treatment she has been receiving in the house. Kelsey explains how she has been feeling and Peter seems to be very receptive as to what he is being told. I am starting to fall for the drama of this show yet again, I really like Kelsey and Peter together, I believe in love on national television once more! My heart is actually hurting for this girl, she is showing her human side and putting her heart out there and Peter seems to be receptive to her and reinforces his feelings for Kelsey and how much he is falling for Kelsey, the excitement is real between these two. They then share a cuddle session on Peter’s couch and cuddles turn into kisses, kisses turn into making out. Peter, is being a really good guy here and he is looking out for Kelsey, I like these two people together and although we have a lot of show to go, I could see these two making it work. Peter pulls the shocking move and pulls a rose out of what appeared to be the couch cushions and offers Kelsey a rose, she accepts and is shocked and is worried what the other girls will think but she is ecstatic and Peter is making the moves that I called on him to make. Power moves only from Pilot Pete. Good for him, now this is the initiative I wanted to see out of Petey Boy.

Kelsey returns back to the house and the rest of the girls are beside themselves, their stares could burn a hole through your soul. Kelsey is hyperventilating and visibly shaking, these girls are not happy and there is clearly a public enemy number one firmly established among these 12 ladies.

10:24pm east coast time and the “she shed” commercial is being shown, I chuckle every time, big fan of that ad.

With a half hour remaining in this episode, the girls are getting ready for the cocktail party and rose ceremony. Tammy is still complaining about Kelsey, Syracuse is waiting for some houses to be flipped, lets board the next flight out of Costa Rica and get Tammy back at Tully’s Good Times for some chicken tendies, I have had enough of her antics. Chris Harrison makes his first appearance of the evening and cancels the cocktail party, the one, the only, Chris Harrison has jumped from the top rope and suplexed the ladies hopes and dreams of a romantic cocktail hour, I love Chris Harrison.

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Tammy jumps down Kelsey’s throat and blames her for being the reason the cocktail party was cancelled. Mykenna starts to cry and whine, I will do anything to have Mykenna and Tammy go home, they are brutal. Cancelling the cocktail party is as powerful as hitting a game winning buzzer beater half court shot, it is electric when you see the swagger walk of Chris Harrison on a mission to lay down the power bestowed upon him by Bachelor Nation.

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My #MCM every Monday

Tammy is now being called out for saying Kelsey was “popping pills” and having a “drinking problem” and all the girls are now realizing what I have seen from the beginning, that she is a snake and was causing problems for Kelsey. Oh Tammy, you spent all episode bad mouthing Kelsey and now you are on the way out the door. Good for Kelsey to stand up for herself but wait a minute Tammy and Sydney are now screaming at each other and in each others face and now everyone has seen who Tammy actually is, Tammy has officially gone off the rails. Also Mykenna continues to swirl her tongue around on the outside of her mouth like a crazy person so that should probably be addressed more than anything else in this house, Mykenna is now sobbing, the emotional breakdown has officially begun and I LOVE EVERY SECOND OF IT!

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Live look at Scors

And here come the tears from Tammy, let me drink those tears, time to go home Tammy. I have never disliked a contestant more in the history of this show, I will be shocked if Peter keeps her around, but the producers might have to call in a favor to keep this drama train rolling down the tracks.

It is now 10:42pm I am tired and my hands have gone numb from the constant typing, there is no end in sight, my house feels like it is 95 degrees and have had to use the restroom since around 8:30pm. Should I DVR and finish tomorrow? No chance, that would be doing a disservice to all of you who need their bachelor round up in their cubicle tomorrow. I will not rest until this blog is complete, my vow to you!

Lets do this, rose ceremony time. There are six roses to hand out and just a reminder that Kelsey, Hannah Ann, Kelly and Sydney all have roses already. So here we go. wait a minute, hold up, Tammy wants to talk to Peter and interrupts the rose ceremony and steals him away from the rest of the group. She asks Peter if something was said about her when Kelsey went to meet with Peter . Oh boy, and now Mykenna leaves to go find Peter and steals him away from Tammy. This is pure insanity, Mykenna is breaking down and can’t handle the drama any longer, please go home Mykenna. MYKENNA STOP SWIRLING YOUR TONGUE AROUND ON NATIONAL TELEVISION! I CANNOT TAKE IT ANYMORE!

Now back to the rose ceremony, sorry folks, Victoria F. gets the first rose, followed by, Madison, Natasha, Victoria P, Mykenna (kill me now) and the final rose of the night goes to ….. Tammy! Are you kidding me Peter, unreal man, just unreal. Just when I thought I was back in on Peter he does something like this and completely makes me question his judgement yet again. WHAT AN IDIOT! Shiann walks to Peter and tells him that before she leaves he needs to be aware that some girls in this house are lying to him and they are being fake for the cameras. A truth bomb to end your time in the Bachelor Mansion. Tammy and Mykenna survive and advance and your favorite Bachelor blogger has a big ol’ frown on his face.

Well there you have it, we will be back on Wednesday night apparently for Episode VI of the Bachelor. Until then, keep on chasing your own rose. Hear hear to the ProcrastiNation!