Imagine waking up the next morning after getting pretty trashed the night before. Things you said or how you acted “might” roll through your brain. Maybe you spilled your cranberry vodka on some broad from long island who smelled like cigarettes that you were hitting on. Maybe you ate an entire pizza on your walk home and threw up outside the subway. what else? Well what else is you probably spent way too much fucking money buddy. From the pregame booze to the cab to the couple rounds of booze you bought for the boys. Maybe you dropped a hundo, maybe you dropped a lot more. Whatever it’s done, get over it, you’ll get past it. But you know what I or anyone I know has never done after blacking out? Spending half a BILLION on a soccer team.
Now our friends and colleagues** over at the Wall Street Journal recently let us in on a big tip (AKA they published an entire article on their website) that Saudi Arabia’s sovereign-wealth fund is going to buy Newcastle United F.C.
Now for all you uneducated swine out there a sovereign wealth fund is basically a pool of money run by the government. Saudi Arabia is big into this and I mean real big. Their fund is called the Public Investment Fund and they’ve got a nice little nest egg of roughly $320 billion (with a b) in it. They sell billions of dollars of oil every year and collect a portion of that to invest at their own discretion. In recent years they’ve invested heavily in tourism and other aspects of their economy to diversify in the event of oil shocks but more broadly to diversify their economy beyond its traditional base of oil. They even invested in this nice little start-up called Tesla that you might’ve of heard of.
And now they’re in talks to invest in Newcastle United and boy did they swing and miss on this one. Holy shit what a horrible decision. You’re telling me that with $320,000,000,000 NOT ONLY are you going to buy a soccer team but like the worst one that no one on this side of the pond has probably ever heard of. Im an American so I don’t waste my time watching silly european foot game but a quick google search revealed they’re not even good. They completely suck. 14th of 20. Awful. Trash. Shut it down. This is like winning the lotto and the next thing you do is roll up in a fucking hyundai. It’s the weakest power move you could possibly imagine.
Now I did a little digging for you all out there reading this and sorry to break it to you Saudi Arabia buts lets just say you’re gonna need to pony up a few extra bucks if you wanna ball out like the big boys at the next NFL owners meeting. According to Business Insider, at that range you can basically buy any MLS team your little heart desires but nobody wants that. If you stick to your guns and stay with soccer you’ll need to double down if you wanna even get within 100 yards (yes yards -not meters) of Man U or Chelsea.
But since no one cares about soccer lets get down to the meat cheese here eh?
You wanna buy the struggling Carolina Panthers? $2.2 B.
Sit courtside and watch james harden rain 3’s and dab him him up as he
jogs walks back to play d? Also $2.2b
Pull a steve ballmer and buy the forgotten sons of los angeles the LA clippers from some racist old guy? $2 billion.
Maybe you have a passion for disappointment and depression and wanna head north to circle the wagons with my buffalo bills. That’ll set you back a cool $1.4 billion.
Little light on cash there Bin Salman? How about the 2018 Stanley Cup runner ups the Vegas golden knights? $500 milly and you’re in Vegas helloo.
Plenty of options to choose from and you don’t ever have to watch a soccer game! Now don’t get me wrong. Buy low, sell high. Newcastle is trash and the Saudis will undoubtedly dump billions into this and turn them into a premier franchise raking in cash in tv contracts and merch and Ill be the looking back at this with my foot in mouth. But hey, at least I wont have to watch soccer every Saturday.