Bachelor Episode I : And Here We Go…

This is a live blog, I am writing as we go . What a way to kick off this season, the self proclaimed “vagina waxer” named Alexa was the first girl introduced and we were kicked into high gear. Before we went to the mansion we got to see the introductions from the girls and what they are all about. We had girls who started crying right off the rip, mind you, before they even meet Peter they are crying saying how great they will be together. Let me tell you something, Hannah Ann is a psycho, no other way around it. She is going to cause drama right away.

I have not watched any spoilers at all so everything will be a live reaction from me. We head to the mansion and we get our first glimpse of Chris Harrison, absolute unit, complete stud. We had girls arrive with letters from their grandmas, wearing angel wings, doing their happy dances and pinky promising to be true to each other… good luck sweetie, Pete the windmill man knows no promises. We also had a girl from Syracuse, NY who is a “house flipper” well good news, plenty of crack dens to flip into over priced upstate New York housing in Cuse’. Might be the most profitable job out of the bunch. First impressions of being vibrant and looking gorgeous out of the limo would easily be Alayah, Lexi, Courtney and Megan – stunning entrances and Peter responded differently, it was obvious. We had multiple ladies make jokes eluding to the “4 times” which refers to the times Peter allegedly boinked Hannah in the windmill from last season. Peter starts saying how he is leaving Hannah Brown in his past and he is completely over here… Well Peter you are in for quite the surprise my friend. Like the undertaker at Wrestle Mania, Hannah rose from the grave and put everyone on notice….. False alarm, Hannah literally showed up climbed out of the limo and dropped off some “co-pilot” wings that Peter gave her last season. What a tease, the bachelor producers are the greatest TV producers in history. You think Hannah is back and then they rip the rug out from under us.

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We now move inside the mansion, Peter makes his toast and says it is time to start the “greatest love story ever seen”. Alayah was the first to secure some one on one time with Peter, they open a letter that her grandmother wrote to Peter and he puts on an interested face like he cares about this letter. Chances he kept it? 3% at most. We begin to see glimpses of the first girls starting to put the buzz on, slurring their words and calling Peter a “delicious biscuit”. Madison makes a paper airplane for peter and begins to tell Peter how well she knows him and how attracted she is to him after 17 minutes inside the mansion, true love right there sports fans.

The first impression rose is in the house. It is as dramatic as when the guys in the white gloves carry in Lord Stanley’s Cup – but instead of drunken deranged hockey fans chanting “we want the cup” we get 30 wide eyed twenty something’s hammering wine spritzers chanting “we want the rose”.

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Hannah Ann pulled Peter aside and went right in for the make out session. She also painted a picture for Peter that her dad helped her with… stage 5 clinger vibes. Natasha who is our oldest contestant was interrupted by our youngest contestant Mykenna, well Natasha didn’t go quietly into the night she responded with an interruption of her own but not before Peter and Mykenna shared a passionate kiss by the fireplace, big time players make big time plays.

Speaking of the steal/interruption we have Hannah Ann who is making moves, not once, not twice, but THREE TIMES – Hannah Ann with no regard for human life (Kevin Harlan voice). She is slowly becoming hated in the house, on night one, a risky play. Isolation can be a cruel companion in the Bachelor Mansion.

We got our first crying incident of the night from Victoria F. Way to go girl, she tried to bring up what she said to Peter when she exited the limo and peter had no recollection whatsoever. This was devastating to Victoria who cried into the camera, wondering how her future husband couldn’t remember their first encounter. At this point I felt that Kelley from Chicago was the pick for the first impression rose but Peter apparently reacted to the boldness from Hannah Ann and her creepy painting – first impression rose for Hannah Ann. The bullseye is officially on the back of this “model” from Knoxville, TN.

Chris Harrison re-emerges and it is time for our first rose ceremony roughly an hour and a half into this three hour marathon of drama. Victoria P. was the first one to receive a rose from Peter, then Madison, Kelley,Lexi, Savannah, Lauren, Tammy, Alayah, Jasmine, Sydney, Natasha , Mykenna (emerging as a crazy person) Deandra, Sarah, Alexa, Kelsey, Payton , Kiarra, Courtney, Shiann and finally Victoria F.

A lot of upsets in my mind from this rose ceremony. Kylie, Maurissa, Jade and MEGAN! I had Megan going deep into this tournament. This was No.14 Mercer knocking off No.3 Duke in the 2014 tourney.

Our first shot of Peter shirtless spraying himself down with a hose has occurred. If you folks are lucky i will recreate that scene at some point this season, $5 to watch, $10 to join. Following the self hose down, Peter invites the girls on a group date by simply saying “look up” and what do you know Peter flying a plane above the mansion. Two female military pilots are going to put the contestants through flight school. They are all appropriately dressed in sports bras and leggings, I am sure that Bessie Coleman and Amelia Earhart would be proud. Victoria P began to tell us a traumatic tale about how she vomited on the tea cups at Disney World and she seriously was distraught about her having to attempt the simulator at flight school. The tea cups, the goddamn tea cups! She is crying about the tea cups and how traumatic it was. You want to hear about trauma sweetheart, pull up a chair and let Scors tell ya about being traumatized as a child. You would be BEGGING to puke down your shirt and bash your face, leaving the tea cups a bloody mess instead of dealing with my childhood. Well, praise the lord, she made it through the simulator, what an absolute warrior. John F. Kennedy should have carved out another chapter in “Profiles In Courage” for her…. Oh wow, she actually puked everywhere. I guess she does get motion sickness, touche’ Mademoiselle. The group date ended when Kelley cheated on the obstacle course to secure some one on one time in a romantic flight piloted by Pete himself. Back on the ground there was an abundance of tears from the other ladies who were very upset with the outlandish cheating that Kelley displayed while she peddled a mini bicycle through a series of windmills and street cones. People were mad about deflategate and the steroid era well throw that out the window, the disregard displayed by Kelley here is a complete atrocity! Are we even a society at this point anymore, shameful!

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Apparently Kelley and Peter had a run in before the show began and they met at a hotel following Peter’s high school reunion, Peter claims he remembers her and was immediately interested…. yeah sure. Kelley took complete advantage of her antics and was able to snag a smooch from the Pilot while they soared above California. They seemed to share some laughs together and while the other girls sat and stewed back in the hotel about the cheating incident, Kelley returned. The silence was deafening, Kelley was called out for cheating and Kelley basically laughed in their faces… Side note, Courtney is quickly becoming my favorite, lets see if she can make some moves.

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Tori Tea Cups snagged peter for some one on one time and explained to him how strong she was for overcoming the motion sickness experience. She told Peter she never received flowers before so Peter sprung into action and brought the girl some flowers, chivalry, chivalry, chivalry and they said it was dead. Not on Pete’s watch. Before Peter gave Kelley the date rose to secure her safety at the upcoming rose ceremony he tossed her on top of a bar and began to make out with her, like I said, chivalry. I’m sure when Kelley was growing up she envisioned the man of her dreams on their first date grabbing her by the waist and tossing her on top of a bar at a double tree hotel in Modesto, California while a bunch of guys behind cameras capture every.. single.. moment.

Madison was the lucky lady to secure the one-on-one date with Pilot Pete. Peter continues to use the phrase “Hello, Beautiful” and all I can think of is Heath Ledger as the Joker and it makes the phrase sound like he’s going to drop these girls out of a window and us as viewers have to hope for Batman to save the day.

So what would you like on a first date? Madison got the unique opportunity to go with Peter to attend his parents renewing their vows.. at an outdoor ceremony that he officiated. I mean, give me a break. What an awful date. Outdoor weddings are the worst, the absolute worst, people make their guests roast like turkeys while they sweat through their clothes. Have some decency people, provide the water fans that the NFL teams use or the squirt bottle fans offered at amusement parks, DO NOT make me sit in a suit and sweat through that aforementioned suit like i’m coaching a finals game in the old Boston Garden (fun fact, no air conditioning in that arena). If you got married outside and someone told you how beautiful the ceremony was, they lied to your face and bad mouthed you the entire time and probably left the ceremony saying something along the lines of “I gave it six months”. Sorry – back to the show. . Madison caught the bouquet naturally and then proceeded to tell Pete’s mom that she feels so connected to her son and that she feels like they have known each other forever. If the tea cups didn’t make you blow chunks then this sure as hell will.

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We then had Madison and Peter exchange stories about how great their parents are and Madison said she wants to marry someone who is just like her dad.. who says that? Peter ate it up with a fork and knife, loved every second of it. We then made a sharp left turn into cliche-ville where Peter promised to protect Madison’s heart and how they are 100% on the same page and their connection works so well. Madison responded with the hits – “I want to be Mrs. Weber, you’re incredible and I feel like I’m your person” when in doubt, dig deep into the bag of bullshit and fire 98 MPH on the black. Caught looking. Peter forked that rose over quicker than he rounded out that first time in the windmill. Madison is safe from elimination.

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The second group date of the night is AWKWARD! BY GOD THAT’S HANNAH BROWN’S MUSIC!! She is back, or is she? Hannah didn’t hear no bell. She then proceeds to tell the story of their sexual history, the contestants look on, mortified. Hannah pulls out a giant windmill to really drive home this “4 times” mantra, as if we didn’t get enough of Peter and the windmill. Hannah has the sexuality talk with the girls and tells them to share a fantasy or sexual tale in front of a live studio audience, Hannah is off her rocker and I LOVE IT. Hannah grabs Peter and asks him to have a chat, Hannah starts to cry, naturally. Peter consoles Hannah and they begin to express that they still have feelings for each other, Hannah tells Peter that she messed up and she wishes she picked Peter to be her hubby. I need Hannah and Peter to leave together leaving the other girls standing there shocked like I need air in my lungs. Some men just want to watch the world burn (additional Batman reference, just because I love my readers).

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Hannah’s mascara is running like a scared tourist at the running of the bulls. Peter calls Hannah out for asking Tyler on a date at the live reunion show. He tells her that he is not a third option. Boom Roasted Hannah. He tried to play it tough but breaks down and says he’s confused, he needs her, he longs for her etc. etc. etc. He then pops the question… “Will you stay in the house and be part of the house”. Hannah looks shocked and Peter continues to tell her how sure he was of his love for her. I’ll be honest here for a minute, Peter was awesome here, he spoke his mind, this felt so real and I give this guy credit. I really think he was or is in love with Hannah, this didn’t feel staged, there is still a connection between these two former lovers. Whether or not she stays, we won’t know until next week but Peter my man, you deserve better, Hannah put him in a real bad place. The confusion on his face his real, Bachelor Nation… TO BE CONTINUED