Taking on the House of Mouse

My wife and I have been married for sixteen months and we have had a shit ton of change during that time period. We obviously got married, moved hundreds of miles away from where we grew up, lived with my in-laws for six months and then bought our first home. So what’s next you ask? We want to have a baby. Before we do that, we wanted to go on a vacation, we have only been on weekend getaways and a mini honeymoon to Florida since we got married. The idea of an extended vacation seems glorious.

The Bride has never been to Disney World, I said perfect, I will bring her to Disney and give her that experience for the first time. Around Christmas of 2018 I booked the trip for September of 2019 to celebrate our one-year anniversary. Well a hurricane came through Florida and we had to reschedule our big adventure. Now, we are closing in on one month until we arrive in Disney. Although I am excited, the stress and cost of Disney World is astronomical, Mickey Mouse has got his hands firmly gripped around the wallet and the balls of every hard-working man in America who wants to give his family a special getaway. I knew this trip would be more cost effective if I brought some people on board with us so that’s what I did. My lifelong best friend and his girlfriend, our go to couple where we used to live, they fit the bill to perfection. We promised when we moved, that we would eventually live in the same area again or at least, we would go on an annual vacation together.

Disney is the smartest organization to ever exist. When you book your trip, you don’t pay for it up front, you book your luxurious hotel and park tickets and pay as you go, it certainly helps but when you add it all up, sweet Jesus. Lets get back to cost in a minute. The stress of booking your restaurants and fast passes for the best rides is where the real stress comes into play. If you don’t execute this aspect of the trip to perfection then you will be riding It’s a Small World, Teacups and The Country Bear Jamboree like a complete an utter loser. What would be worse is that after these shithole rides you’d be forced to either eat dinner at 9pm or settle for bottom of the bin restaurants or take out. We need high quality Disney magic in every ride and ingredient, we aren’t in the business of half assing our Disney getaway. The execution in the restaurant and ride selection is no joke. I woke up early and was ready to roll. I fired up the ol’ internet machine and got to selecting. First, the restaurants, I was able to have about a 95% success rate. I got rat fucked out of the Sci Fi Theatre for lunch but other than that, every restaurant we wanted, Scors delivered.

Now, the most important aspect of the trip, nailing the Fast Pass selection. This is where we separate the men from the boys. What made Clark Griswold so determined on that cross country trip to Wally World, that same passion and vigor was running through my veins as I logged onto my Disney Experience (the cleverly worded Disney app that has everything you need to spend more money). First up is Animal Kingdom. Please give me a real challenge, I execute to perfection with Expedition Everest, Kilimanjaro Safari and Avatar Flight of Passage. My sweet fat ass is about to be flying all over the world in a simulated mind boggling, titillating experience. Your probably like, “Hey Scors, anybody can book ride passes”. Oh is that so? Not so fast my friends, Disney tiers their rides so you can’t get the three best rides ol’ willy nilly, you need a strategy, a plan of attack and time management skills that only few in human history have ever had. With that combination, maybe, just maybe, you will be able to experience the best tiered rides in each of the parks. Epcot was next on the docket, no problem there, the countries are the main attraction here and after you add Soarin’ Around The World and a tier two classic Spaceship Earth, there is not much left. I decided on Mission Space, they have two levels of rides, orange and green. People have died of heart failure on the orange mission, no big deal, Disney is literally killing people with simulations that are so accurate to real life. Does the Head Mouse In Charge, shut this ride down, nope he doubles down and says ride it you b-word. Well Mickey, you have called my bluff, I will be riding the green mission, I want everyone in my party safe and sound after a day of German brats, Pizza, Taquitos and Fish and Chips from all of the respected nations surrounding the Epcot pavilion. Also, my doctor told me I need to “exercise more” and that I have the “worst cholesterol levels she has ever seen in a twenty-five-year-old”, her words not mine. Overreact much lady? Magic Kingdom is like going to a Springsteen or Billy J concert, we are here for one reason, to hear the hits, PLAY THE HITS BRUCE/MAGIC KINGDOM. That’s exactly what I did here, Space Mountain, Big Thunder Mountain and The Seven Dwarfs Train Coaster. Walking down main street with a Mickey ice cream sandwich is what dreams are made of folks. We close out the parks experience the following day at the newly renamed Hollywood Studios. The toughest of the parks to navigate because it will flooded with Star Wars nerds rushing to the recently opened Star Wars Land and because the rides are tiered here to the point that you can only get one exhilarating ride, in our case, we got Rock N’ Roller Coaster. We rounded out the selections with Indiana Jones Stunt Spectacular and Star Tours (when in Rome) I will be purchasing either a Chewbacca mask (that’s fun in the park or at home fellas) or a lightsaber, that’s for certain.

The next day my buddy and his girlfriend leave and I have booked a romantic hotel and steak dinner for my wife and I (The Chewbacca mask has entered the chat). This day was designed to give us a relaxing day to wrap up our vacation before we head back home. Obviously, talk to me after I get back from the trip but at this point I consider myself an expert on planning a trip to Disney World. Lucky for travel agents that I wasn’t born an era before the profession got completely wiped out by common sense and using the internet or I would have been a monster. A Billionaire travel agent, I can see it now, a corner location in a cheesy 1980’s mall somewhere in Topeka, Kansas sending families and couples anywhere from Boca Raton to Tucson. Hammering them over the head for my top-notch services. It’s my dream scenario, kind of like when Dwight Schrute dreamed of being the Assistant Hotel Manager in Hell making 80k a year.  I digress. Onto the cost.

First off, the hotel. Total cost for four nights, $1,520. Luckily, I am splitting this cost with my buddy and his girlfriend. This room is a bit bigger so you could probably find something cheaper, this is a moderate resort, not Disney’s big swinging dick hotel experience, this is middle of the road. Park passes are $100 a day so for my wife and I, that’s $800 total. Travel cost of flying at least a few hundred and if you drive, there’s $200 in gas and car rental or potential issues, so for argument sake, lets call it $500 which is probably on the low side.  Then there is the additional night my wife and I are staying at a different hotel that costs roughly $250, another moderate resort, but Disney knows you are at their mercy and no mercy shall be shown from Mickey and Minnie as they dive head first into a pile of money. Last but certainly not least, the food. The highest price got ya’ that Disney has to offer. We are playing it smart, only doing one sit down breakfast and lunches on the go but every night we will pull up our cargo shorts, our dad sandals and head into the belly of the beast, the sit-down Disney dinner experience. For two people at minimum we are looking at $600 total on dinner plus $150 for lunches and a $75 breakfast bill. No souvenirs, no drinks, no snacks and Mickey has his claws into me for over $3,900 – again this is low balling the cost.

I cannot wait for this trip. It is something I have wanted to do with my wife for a long time. I will keep you updated as we get even closer and maybe a live blog here or there while I am on vacation next month.  While Mickey laughs his jolly ass off as middle America continues to fork up their hard earned cash to take a photo with Timon and Pumba, ride through the Pirates of the Caribbean and feel like a kid again not while having a care in the World; I for one will hand that cash over and enjoy this getaway to the happiest place on earth.